this is a declaration of guilt. i am a girl with intimacy issue. u see, since the age of 4, i started to learn to live in a world where my father didnt. i mean, doesnt. i mean, i dont know..
mother wasnt much of a help either. i think shes living in denial. my judgment is based on the fact that she didnt like to talk about him. if i made her talk, she didnt open up that much. short and always ended up with a sigh. maybe she missed him. i miss him. i got it.
we didnt talk about it. we dealt with the loss in our own ways. we were fine, i assumed.
but..now, i think silence is overrated. in this family, silence means anger. anger that we keep to ourselves. unhappiness that we hide.
it's been way too long. it was years back. and i dont know if it is time to move on. or we moved on, arent we?
it's not about the loss. it is about life after the loss. how my brothers are who they are? how i come to this place? how my mother is who she is today and god knows, what she's been through? i am her hope, she keeps telling me this. brothers, huh..they are junkies. wrecked and miserable.
i am a girl with intimacy issue. i re-admit. am writing this to share feelings with people. wont talk to friends. sumtimes i try to let people in. just that it is so hard that i'll shut the door at the end of the day.
still, theres so much in me that i wanna spill out in this piece. but, im afraid that people would notice the broken pieces. that im pretending to live a happy life.
well...i am just a wrecked.
this is me trying to put blame on him.
this is me trying to seek forgiveness from him.
this is me trying to move on.
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