sehingga hari ini, 2 kittens saya telah mati.

kemudian tambah lagi 4 kittens yg mana 1 adalah kucing homeless.

saya dah lama x bermimpi sesuatu yang significant..

x banyak yang berubah dalam hidup kecuali masa

jika syurga dan neraka tak pernah ada

masihkah aku kan bersujud pada nya?

no, shes not living in denial. i was wrong.

she is at the point of her life where she can use a happy ending.

maybe some nicely cut, well done scenes. after all these years...

it is time for her to harvest.

recycled 2

this is a declaration of guilt. i am a girl with intimacy issue. u see, since the age of 4, i started to learn to live in a world where my father didnt. i mean, doesnt. i mean, i dont know..

mother wasnt much of a help either. i think shes living in denial. my judgment is based on the fact that she didnt like to talk about him. if i made her talk, she didnt open up that much. short and always ended up with a sigh. maybe she missed him. i miss him. i got it.

we didnt talk about it. we dealt with the loss in our own ways. we were fine, i assumed.

but..now, i think silence is overrated. in this family, silence means anger. anger that we keep to ourselves. unhappiness that we hide.

it's been way too long. it was years back. and i dont know if it is time to move on. or we moved on, arent we?

it's not about the loss. it is about life after the loss. how my brothers are who they are? how i come to this place? how my mother is who she is today and god knows, what she's been through? i am her hope, she keeps telling me this. brothers, huh..they are junkies. wrecked and miserable.

i am a girl with intimacy issue. i re-admit. am writing this to share feelings with people. wont talk to friends. sumtimes i try to let people in. just that it is so hard that i'll shut the door at the end of the day.

still, theres so much in me that i wanna spill out in this piece. but, im afraid that people would notice the broken pieces. that im pretending to live a happy life.

well...i am just a wrecked.

this is me trying to put blame on him.

this is me trying to seek forgiveness from him.

this is me trying to move on.

recycled 1

dulu:

bosan.
jobless.
unemployed.
useless.
broke. dead broke.
i do what i do best. do nothing. am good at it. a pro.
am so tensed up. it's hard. being an adult. it means responsibility. and responsibility sucks!
pinjam kata grey "we are adults. when did that happen?"

i think, it's karma. similar, in no way. adults are sick. i mean, i am sick.

anyways, mother tends to worry too much just about everything. they make u think that u wanna do things that u dont actually wanna. they possess u to think like them. these people are pros. but they are mothers, u cant escape them.

kini:

got a job. lost it. got another 1. working on losing it too. adut.. huh?

edit hari ni:

got a new job. i thought i'll like it. but, the thing is, i dont have any job here. it's been almost a month.
they say this is normal. they are recruiting 5 more.
i say, u adults are sick!

kalau perlu kamu tahu nama kucing2 saya:

1. kenshin himura
2. kaoru kamiya
3. tachibana
4. sanosuke sagara
5. shiro
6. minyo
7. kiki
8. kiko
9. pondan / dengkoi
10. keledek
11. kentang
12. makoto shishio
13. tachibana junior
14. ciku
15. kecik (belang)
16. kecik

entah la. ada yang lupe. tambah lagi 6 kittens yang takde nama.

itu pun, kalau perlu kamu tahu..

angin cuma diam
biar deru ombak silih menggila
dia terusan berdiam
walaupun hiba dan pilu silih menggila

cuma tasbih ligat di jari
cuma lidah lancar menyanyi

tetap air mata mahu sembunyi
tetap senyuman mahu selari

aku bisu di sudut pemerhati
membiar dia berperang sendiri
aku tahu dia wanita besi
tak akan terkulai di medan sendiri